forgot password?
|
the guy code, according to m0nkey.org
(with a little help from maxim, stuff, fhm, and wherever else we could steal, er borrow, it from)
by kts
Created: 02/21/03
Last Updated: 05/05/03
Thanks: Maxim, Stuff, FHM, etc for ideas. jheckert for the creation of
"Steak and Blowjob Day".
- Rule Number One (AKA The Golden Rule): Bros before Hoes.
- if you take more than 30 seconds to figure out what to wear, admit it dude you're gay.
- if you want to hook up with, or god forbid date, a girl that one of your
friends has already hooked up with you are REQUIRED to notify your
friend before this act happens.
- failure to do this gives your friend full right to kick your ass.
- if you notify your friend then the most he is allowed to do to you,
whether or not your friend likes this idea, is to tell you how much you will
enjoy how she sucks the balls.
- if your friend is a female then you are REQUIRED to ask if she wants to join in with you and the girl that you want to hook up with. why? because the only thing better than hooking up with one girl is hooking up with 2 girls at the same time.
- thou shall not order a mimosa, ever. mimosas are for chicks dude, jesus get a real drink you pussy.
- it's ok to hook up with your friend's little sister... at long as he never finds out. if he does find out you're a dead man. move to argentina and pray for the best.
- leaving a poker game early is fine, IF you don't mind being striped to your
boxers and strung up on a lightpost.
- a meal isn't a meal unless it involves some sort of meat product.
- in response to valentine's day - march 8th is now officially "steak &
blowjob day".
this holiday has been created so you ladies can have a day to show your
man just how much you love him. no cards, no flowers, no special nights on
the town - the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak and a
BJ. that's it.
- if you're the newest guy at your work place, even if you've been there 2 years your name will be "New Guy" and your job will be to be the office bitch until someone new comes along to take your place as the "New Guy". live it, learn it, love it. and stop whining to your mommy about it you pussy.
- wearing pajama bottoms in public is perfectly acceptable. it shows that you like to be comfortable.
- it's ok to shed a few extra pounds. it's not ok to talk about
"having a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and a sensible dinner."
- thou shall not be pussywhipped. if thou doth become pussywhipped your
friends are well within their rights to heckle you whenever they damn well
please. NOTE: the excuse "well at least i'm getting some" is no
excuse at all. grow some balls and be a man you pussy!
- drinking games are cool, regardless of age. it's fun for the whole family!
- jagermiester is the perfect gift for all gift giving occasions.
- you are required to call out a friend on one of his bull shit stories, UNLESS he is trying to impress a girl, in which case you keep your damn mouth shut.
- a man is allowed to own up to 4 pairs of shoes, but only one of each of the following:
- sneakers
- boots
- flip-flops or sandals
- dress shoes
a man owning anymore than 4 pairs of shoes is either gay or a douchebag.
- if the girl you are starting to see doesn't swallow then that's perfect grounds for you to break up with her.
- no man should buy a christmas gift before December 21st.
- the accepted excuse for making a jackass of yourself in public, age 29 or younger: "dude i'm soooo wasted." the accepted excuse for making a jackass of yourself in public for men over 30: "hey, i pay my taxes."
- the grill is the man's realm. protect it at all costs.
- if your friend brings his girlfriend to a guy's night out then you are fully within your right to never speak to him again after spending the entire night mocking him.
- if your friend takes the grenade (aka the nasty chick who is friends
with the hot girl that you are trying to hook up with) for you then you
should never, ever, bring it up. if you do your friend is allowed to
kick you in the nuts.
- if your girlfriend wants to try to match up her nasty ass friend with
one of your friends it is your duty to notify your friend immediately so
he can begin to work on his story about always wanting to be a priest and
join the seminary.
- (the christine law) if a girl tries to get out of giving you some
lovin after you put your time in down under then you are perfectly within
your right to jerkoff and come all over her face and hair while she is
sleeping. hey the bitch deserves it!
- thou shall not rent a chick flick. ever. even if there is nudity in
it. if your girlfriend wants to watch it let her rent it, you don't want
to watch it, she does! you just want to get some ass.
- bitching about the brand of free beer in your friend's kitchen is a no-no. however feel free to bitch about the temperature of the beer.
- use every other urinal in the bathroom. even if you really have to pee wait your damn turn. you don't want to saddle up in between 2 guys peeing and see their junk or they see yours.
- unless you are either an ultra-fit athlete (you aren't) or in the mafia (fageddaboutit) NEVER wear a track suit out in public.
- allowing a girlfriend to 'girly up' your bathroom is a no-no. the
only thing she is allowed to 'girly up' is the kitchen, but she should
always be too busy making you a sandwich for her to do that.
- a man shall keep at least 3-4 issues of a variety of suitable men's
magazines (maxim, stuff, fhm, playboy, hustler, etc) in the bathroom at
all times.
- the size of your TV determines your social status. bigger is better.
- soccer is called soccer not football you goddamn foreigners. don't
like it? who bailed your ass out of WWI AND WWII? oh that's right, we
did, thus we get to determine that soccer is called soccer.
- if your girl wakes you up with a good morning hummer, you must do
everything that she asks until sundown. hey c'mon that's more than fair.
(unless she doesn't swallow, then you only have to obey her until noon.
but if she doesn't swallow why the hell are you still going out with her?)
- letting your woman keep you away from a guy's night out is a no-no.
c'mon and drink you pussywhipped motherfucker!
- if you miss out on 2 consecutive guy's nights out because of
your girlfriend your friends are fully allowed to hold an intervention.
- interoffice athletics are great. who doesn't love getting beaned with
a shaker of coffeemate or elbowing that bastard in receiving "accidentally"?
- never wear a speedo. ever. or any type of thong what so ever.
- boxers or briefs? boxers. there it's been said. case closed.
- double down on 11.
- men don't get piercings, women do. and it doesn't make you look cool,
it makes you look gay. especially the tongue ring. and don't even get me
started on the dudes who get their bell button pierced.....
- you may only talk to another man in the bathroom that is in the same
stage of using the bathroom as you are (waiting in line, using the urinal,
washing your hands, etc). if you try to start up a conversation with
someone, even if you know them, that is in a different state of using the
bathroom they are fully allowed to ignore you. ever heard of some
privacy?
- Subset: when using the shitter NEVER talk to another man in
the stall next to you, ESPECIALLY don't ask him if you can borrow
some toilet paper. look to make sure there is enough before you lock the
door. if not, well you're shit outta luck. literally.
- if you notice that another man's zipper is down... hey what the hell
are you looking at his crotch for, what are you gay?
- minimum amount of time to wait for another dude to show up for
something: 5 minutes. maximum time to wait: 6 minutes. after that it's
too damn bad.
- should you show up to work in the same clothes that you wore to work
the day before, abeit more disheveled and reeking of the bar and
hopefully some skank that you slept with, wear those clothes like a badge
of pride. and puke in your co-worker's drawer.
- thou shall not be french. or french canadian.
- thou shall hate the french. and french canadians.
- dude hairdryers are for chicks. just like long hair.
- thou shall not wear pink. ever.
- thou shall not be a tow truck driver. if you are you are a sleazy
bastard and you deserve to die.
- gentlemen, i never thought i would have to write this down, but
apparently a few of you numbskulls forgot it -- USE EVERY OTHER URINAL!
- quote lines from Van Wilder, Zoolander, Office Space, Old School, and Super Troopers often as possible.
hey not so fast! check out some of the
other
cool
shit
that we have on
m0nkey.org. or else.
have a great rule that we missed? e-mail it to: kts@m0nkey.org
|
